Traveller Living in Toronto
Yesterday With Alexander
Saturday morning we were supposed to get up and get going to first of all Empire Cheese Factor in Campbellford, ON and then on to the Morrisburg area where we were supposed to be looking for tombstones and land owned by Alexander's acestors. I arose right on time, let Alexander sleep beyond the time we had agreed to leave and then went in and gently let him know the time.
The weather did not look great.
Later in the day, Alexnader wrote a wonderful tribute to his Toronto Father on his blog[ http://sensualpoet.blogspot.com]. I teared up reading it because Diane arranged my father's funeral and when I asked if I could speak, she said it is all set and no one from the family is to speak. I don't think I will ever quite get over that. Whenever I think of that funeral, I feel so many emotions - just before the start of the service, Diane came out to tell me off about Lucille - I almost jumped in the car and drove away and if it had not been for Phil telling Diane to cool it, I would have. I am not sure my family ever understood what it was about Lucille that kept me from them - whatever, it was evil.
Further, for both of us (Alexander and I), it would have been exciting to have been at Fantasy Fest this weekend - Friday night would have been the amateur parade while Saturday night would have been the actual parade downtown. I was wallowing in my own disappointments.
We did go out for breakfast, something we rarely do. It had started to rain (the excuse I gave for us not going to Morrisburg).
We came back to the apartment and we went to work on our computers. About mid-afternoon, I got a thing from 5ive asking if I wanted free admission for the dance that night and I thought it would do me good to go.
While I understand there are times when fixing dinner is not appropriate and we had had a wonderful meal in the morning, I really like the time a dinner break together makes. It is most valuable time.
About mid-evening, Alexander said he felt like going out later. I pointed to the fact I had already put my name on the list for 5ive so he did too. I told him I was going to take a nap before we went and we agreed on 10:30.
When I lay down for my nap, I started a sneezing spell instead of going to sleep and ended up all stuffed up. I got up, had a shower, got dressed in dance clothes but remained draining extensively from my sinuses. I asked him if he was going and he said he had not decided.
Well, about an hour later, he decided to go but by that time I had decided not to go. I was feeling rejected and down because of my nose and throat draining mucus. I decided I would be better off asleep. Thus, Alexnader went off at 11:45 alone to the Barn and Statler's.
Anyway, I had difiiculty getting to sleep and within about half an hour my head had cleared but I had committed myself to staying home by then. I got up and started to do some things on the computer. However, my computer got slower and slower and eventually I started to get some horrible error messages as different parts of it were shutting down on their own so I shut it off and went to bed.
About an hour later I awakened and got up to go to the washroom and on the way by the computer I turned it on. While I was in the washroom, Alexander came in and saw that my computer was all funny and not booting correctly so he turned it off and started a reboot. On the fourth reboot, it started and while slow, it worked.
I took a muscle relaxant which is supposed to help me sleep and I did go to sleep. I wanted a cuddle so much and no one was going to give it to me.
Well, I must get ready for church...............
Feel free to contact me at canadabear@torweb.com
Thursday - A Day In Hell
Well, the day started with Sammi doing nothing. Because I had other things to do, I wanted to get the visit to 519 out of the way. First Sammi sent me an email asking if he could stay until the court case on November 4. I said NO. Then he found out he was not going to get any answer about Employment Insurance until November 12 and he asked if he could stay until then and I again said NO. Finally, I told him unless he did something he would be out on the street as he accused me of basically putting him out on the street. I pointed out to him that we had offered help through 519 (community centre) or Social Services and I would be willing to accompany him to those places.
He then got his coat on and hurried me along. That was OK. However, all the way over there, he told me I had turned on him, that I had lied to him, etc. I just responded and said "if that is what you want to believe that is OK but it was not what I was doing".
After we left Social Services, he walked alone ahead of me back to the apartment. He had been given a phone number. He made a phone call and then went out without telling us where he went or for how long.
Interestingly enough, he seemed much better after he got all that venom out of him. Maybe it is healthy to blow off but it sure is not healthy for the people around you. He even hugged me this evening.
I again am exhausted. The stress is killing me slowly but surely. He claims he did not create the stress BUT if he had to live with Sammi, he would know that that creates stress. Now, I know I create stress in some people. When I get really down and cry, that creates stress. However, I can not help it. I try not to bother other people with my crying.
Suspense and Sammi
Well, the time has come. I have felt the pressure of the last few weeks. It has been difficult to say the least but I knew I had to do this. I contacted Bob and Wally just before Thanksgiving when I decided it had to be this way. Wally indicated to me that he would put some money in but other than that would be of no help to Sammi. Bob, on the other hand agreed to meet over drinks - eventually, we got to the point where we decided it had to be at our place Wednesday night at 8:00 p.m.
At the last minute Bob decided that he could not win in this situation. He talked to me over the phone and we agreed that it was probably best if he not come over. Then, Just as I was about to hang up Sammi slipped out the door. He probably had some inkling as to what was coming.
He returned home about 11 p.m. - just as I was getting to the point of not being very lucid. However, I wanted to get it over with. I told Alexander, it would be appreciated if he sat in but I would do the talking. Here is a report of what I wrote after the interview:
Sammi came back at 10:15 and so we had our talk.
I told him basically that I was having difficulty with tension which had gotten worse and that I would ask him to find a place to move to by November 1. Alexander offered some suggestions - social services does emergency help when a person finds themselves in the position that he is in sometimes and he also suggested 519 since this is his neighbourhood and they would know various social services.
I told him Bob that you were planning on calling him about Saturday (before the conversation above) as I told him you had not come over this evening. I also told him of our plan to visit Morrisburg Saturday. Alexander emphasized the job fair and asked him if he thought it useful from the web site. He did not indicate one way or the other. He just said that the web site told him to bring his resume (good sign).
I told him there would be a limit to what I could help him but that if he asked I would be there for him when I could - that this was not a rejection of him but that I had to be concerned about my job and legal situation first and if there was more on a certain day or situation, and he asked, I would do what I could. Thus, there is no PROMISE but no abandonment.
Sammi was really quiet - got up and unplugged his computer and said nothing. I emphasized that we were not abandoning him but we could not continue in the present situation. I hope he does not let it fester as he might do. I asked him if he had questions or anything to say and his only real comment was "I guess I am fucked" and I tried to tell him he was not but I do not think he heard that.
I had to do the above for myself. If he turns on me, that will be the penalty I pay for having offered to help in the first place but I am hoping he is reasonable and can see that I still want to be his friend.
The interview exhausted me. My comments are the following:
1. I am not comfortable telling people boundaries
2. I hate confrontation
3. I was glad to feel the support of Alexander
4. I do not think Sammi will be violent.
Sunday Evening
When I got back to the room, Alexander, as planned, had booked two tickets for 8 p.m. for Naked Boys Singing [http://www.nakedboyssinging.com/home.html] which at $10.00 a seat instead of the normal $32.00 per seat was a wonderful investment in pleasure.
The cast of the Chicago version of this program was wonderful. We bought the CD but found that the Chicago cast had actually done better than some of the songs on the CD. Pizzaboy was an addition which was not on the CD.
The guy who was best was an understudy - his name was ?. The guy I liked best was Marcos and we saw Marcos later on North Hallstead and also at Gentry with his boyfriend. Marcos did not have the largest dick in the show but he was an all round good looker and put himself totally into the play.
You know, I had never been to a nude play like this before and it is interesting how important the music became. I thought we might focus on the nudity. That was not the case. The play was funny while being extremely good musically and visually. The dancing was wonderful.
I can not say enough good about it.
After we went to eat at
Nookies .We then went to
Roscoes. We then visited
Gentry where we heard a female singer who was quite good but we also saw Marcos who had been in Naked Boys Singing.
Another fun night.
Sunday
The day was wonderful. I got to see Joshua again. He is so precious.
I arose, had my shower and got ready to go quickly. I was anxious. The directions I had were not correct but I had a sense of where I was going and I made it using the roads I could find. I thought for awhile that I might end up being late because it took so long to traverse unfaniliar roads. Once I got into the right neighbourhood though, it went quickly and I got to the Church about 10:15. I parked next to Trevor and Allison and went inside. I could not see them. I talked to Abe and then later to his wife and I searched for the Sunday School room and the nursery.
After they asked people to leave the foyer to go into the sanctuary, Trevor showed up. It was absolutely wonderful to sit next to Trevor through the service and to hear his in-tune strong singing. The sermon was dull and I am not sure I got a huge amount out of it, even though it was from Phillipians, my favourite book of the Bible.
When I first got to see Joshua after the service, he had changed. He had lost his baby face and is now a little boy. He was much more shy now than when I was there in July. He liked looking over his mother's shoulder and smiling, laughing, etc. but did not like coming to me much at all. I know children go through different stages. Mind you when it came time for pictures, he was willing to sit on my lap.
Allison had not brought with her feeding stuff for Joshua so we stopped at their place on the way to Chilli's where we ate lunch and I took lots of pictures. By the end of the meal Joshua was clearly getting tired and so we headed to their house where he laid down for his nap.
Allison and Trevor and I spent about two hours talking before he awakened and after I took some more pictures, I left. He seemed quite interested throughout. He stands on his own, crawls, plays well. He really has grown up.
Now isn't that a proud grandpa writing?
An Interesting Trip
Friday night
The bus finally got in about 6:35 (due in at 6:00) and we set out on our way. Alexander had had nothing to eat all day so we stpped at the first service center and he had a full-sized sub and since I had had a bite to eat at breakfast, I took a small sub.
At the border, we had a nasty experience. I am not sure why. He aksed us all kinds of questions like what we were going to do in Chicago, what we did for a living, when I had to be back at work, etc. Alexander claims he hates the U.S. anyway and that just makes it worse.
Well, we filled up on gas and drove on to Lansing and found our Fairfield Inn. I have to find out more about Marriott Rewards. We immediately went to the front dask and asked about a bar and he told us to go to a sports bar named Press Box right next door. The Press Box was full of men mostly (but some had little children with them) who were immense in size - true couch potatoes.
Saturday
Up and at em. Our trip to Chicago from Lansing was uneventful until we got into Indiana. We spent over an hour in traffic jams trying to get by construction. All I could think of was the song which I had heard earlier in the week since it was Indiana which seemed to hold us:
Indiana wants me
Lord
I can't go back there.
Indiana wants me
Lord
I can't go back there
I wish I had you to talk to.
If a man ever needed dyin'
He did
no one had the right
To say what he said about you
It's so cold and lonely here
Without you.
Out there the law's acomin'
I'm gettin' so tired of runnin'
Indiana wants me
Lord
I can't go back there.
Indiana wants me
Lord
I can't go back there.
I wish I had you to talk to.
It hurts to see the man that I've become
And to know I'll never see the morning
Sunshine on the land
I'll never see your smiling face
Or touch your hand.
If just once more I could see you
Our home and our little baby.
I hope this letter finds its way to you
Forgive me
love
for the shame I put
you through and all the tears
Hang on
love
to the mem'ries
Of those happy years.
Red lights are flashin' around me
Yeah
love
it looks like they found me.
Indiana wants me...
The fact is that we got to the hotel [Holiday Inn, Skokie IL]much later than we expected. We found out that we could get whi-fi hook-up so we went to Best Buy and bought an ethernet card and got the laptop running before going down to eat at Nookies on North Hallstead. After we wandered the street form one end to the other and went into Roscoe's, Side Tracks, and Gentry and back to Side Tracks.
There were some cute guys at all the places. However, I had one guy tell me he liked my necklace and then proceeded to invite me to Cell Block. I declined the invite. He was a bit tipsy I think. There was also a young Latino boy named Angelo who we spoke with at Side Tracks and again at Gentry where I gave him my business card. He was quite pleasant.
We got back to the room at about 1:30 a.m. which was fine. I went to sleep immediately.
What I learned today??? Being an Academic
The fact is that it is tough to be an academic today. When I got tenure in 1973, the decision was made quickly and easily based on promise. I had just finished my doctorate and I had started to work towards publishing as I was doing research on health and educational economics with Arnold Frenzel and had applied for an Ontario Economic Council grant to do some research on the use of Ontario Health Insurance Plan (a government insurance plan).
Today I sat in on a meeting of the committee which considers tenure decisions. One of the candidates was discussed over and over again. Because the proceedings are supposed to be in-camera, I can not reveal what goes on but I quite frankly found the case to be satisfactory so why did we waste much time?
Having sat on the University committee I am now convinced that there is a huge variation in the criteria across departments. Well-liked people in popular departments I suspect do not face the same scrutiny as we do in Economics. If only the administration realized what a candidate in Economics had to do in order to get a positive recommendation.
Waiting to Get Going
Alexander just phoned about 10 minutes ago. My meetings were over an hour before he phoned. He still has to take the bus from Toronto to Kitchener for us to get going. Well, I said we would not be into our destination until 11:30 and that may very well prove to be true.
Tonight we are headed for Lansing and tomorrow will go the rest of the way to Chicago. What a wonderful expectation.
I expect to fill the gas tank and get health insurance before picking him up. I am also starving as I have not had anything to eat since before my 8:30 class. Mind you I have had two bottles plus of water to try to make me less hungry. However, now my stomach is making noises about the fact it is hungry.
Today is the first day of Oktoberfest so I suspect that things will be busy - I will be leaving here (work) in about half an hour so as to do things and be at the bus depot on time.
Frustration:
Today was one of frustration. I had gone to bed last night rather early as I had had three nights of little sleep. I woke up and my computer would not come on. Luckily Alexander started it before he went to work but he did not have time to adjust the font (which is alright).
The wonders of Legal Aid:
Horrors! I went with a friend while he applied for legal aid. I was ashamed that our system is so wasteful. Surely a non-government organization would do better. Anyway, my friend has to have his separation from employment papers before they will conisder his application BUT then he has to wait a week to 10 days. I was extremely frustrated and when I got home, he said something while I was making a snack and I rushed from the kitchen and went to my room to cry.
Lunch
I had a good experience at lunch. The fact is that I enjoyed the company. It put me close to the bus depot where I got Alexander a ticket for tomorrow. Then I walked down to Adelaide to get some US funds for the trip tomorrow.
Cancelled
I hate what I am going through. I had to cancel my weekly meeting over coffee with Mitesh. I have come to prize his company and really value his thoughts. I do hope that he realizes that. I will miss him this weekend as we will not be together on Saturday.
Dinner
I ended up fixing dinner. Wow! First time I have made other than one of my salad meals.
Play
Went to see Woody harvelson's version of This Youth. It ws a whole bunch of fighting. I had anticpated the play because Alexander knew of the writer and we both had seen one of the characters on TV and liked him.
The ffighting left me tense. I am not sure that I am happy at all about the play. It was well done but intense.
Searching Roots - Ancestors
James McCready came to Canada from Wigtonshire (Old Luce) in the early 1820s. He settled in Caistor township, a couple of miles from Caistor Cente and maybe five miles from Caistorville. He died Jan. 7, 1886 aged 81. He is buried in Dochstader Cemetery which in itself is difficult to reach.
Today I visited with Norm McCready the area around Smithville (Township of Lincoln West as it is known today) with Norman McCready. We first went to Merrit United Church where we saw tombstones for most of James McCready's children and a number of his grandchildren.
I was please when I came across Andrew McCready and Lillie Young's tombstone who are buried in that cemetary along with their son Oliver Bruce McCready who died at age 21 (he died when my father would have been seven and he was one of the relatives my father had mentioned.
We then went a bit further along South Chippeawa Rd. to the next lane which we turned in (dirt rutted laneway) and then we turned into a farmer's field which was even less visible as a road but is marked on the road as such. We abandonned the car and walked about a mile through a woods to the cemetary itself and found the stones of James McCready and his children who died young (John 1851 at 2 years, William 1854 at 4 years, and Amy Jane in 1854 at 11 months, 10 days). We still have not ofund Jane Young (his wife's gravestone).
After a visit with Roy McCready who lives on a portion of the original property on Conc. 2 at Church Rd. we headed back to Smithville for a coffee, snack and a visit to the Township offices where we picked up maps of the township and some advice about tracking down Youngs who lived in the area. Roy had shown us the original will of James McCready and he also told us exactly where each piece of the property as willed to the children was.
The Fire Department Chief is also the Cemetary Director and he told us about a Caistorville United Church cemetary which had many different Young families buried in it and that the person who cared for it was Les Young and advised us to see him which we did. He showed us the Old Schoolhouse he had attended as a child (he is now 82) and gave us a Young family member who is doing a family tree so I will be contacting John Young in Dunnville for that information.
The weather was perfect for exploring cemetaries today. The temperature was probably in the high 60s (just about 18 or 19 celsius) with a wonderful sun and few clouds in the sky.
Norman McCready was wonderful company and we got a huge amount of joy out of talking and epxloring together. Norman talks of Mark because they met back when Mark attended a wedding in Sarnia years ago. Exploring family has become more real and exciting now that I have met some of the people involved.
The Justice System:
I have been carefully eyeing the justice system in Canada today and have some real questions. My father was a lawyer and my mother wanted me to join him in the practice of law BUT I am glad I did not do so.
Today I accompanied a close friend to court, his first appearance. No one had explained what that meant. We sat the whole morning as lawyer after lawyer stood up to ask his client's case be put off, sometimes only a day and sometimes a week or two. That kind of system benefits the lawyers but leaves the judge, the crown attorney and a number of clerks burdened and not able to mete out judgement.
In the case of my friend, he admits that he was in the worng over $20.00. Yet, it cost him his job. It cost him and myself time and a trip of 200 kms (twice now) to appear. Yet my friend is no closer to resolution than when he started - indeed, if anything he is worse off. Kindly, the judge suggested his case be moved to where he lives.
The main reason for the system being the way it is now is that many of the lawyers are paid by legal aid and as a consequence seem inclined to make it drag as long as possible in order for them to bill the government. I know they have to prepare and all but I am glad my mother did not win me over to persuing a law degree so I could join my father being called to the bar.
In two other instances of contact with the court system over a domestic breakdown, things are no better. It seems to me the government has to do something to clear up the system.
I do not have solutions but it seems to me that there must be a better way for cases to be handled - maybe in chambers where the judge, the lawyers, and the accused and penitant meet once and work out a solution. Today, even people who wanted to plead guilty were being put off until November.
At 60, I had never before been involved with the courts. One would think that they should be administering justice rather than be a paper factory which earns money for many people - or am I too idealistic
Today: Sunday 051003
The day started as a sunny day and I had arranged to take Sid to church. We took pictures before the service began. Sid is always so much fun to be around. The pastor is in Houston so we had a psycholigist/theologian speak on anger and depression. What he said was excellent BUT we all commented on how we miss the Brent manner of delivery.
I asked Sam if he wanted to go to brunch with me as I wnated some time with him. I thought it would be a great time to get together. I aksed Sam if he minded if we invited Sid and Sam says "I like Sid" so I asked Sid. Then when we got to church there were people there whom Sid knew who invited themselves for brunch so we ended up with five of us at the table.
Alexander was at George's for overnight. He got home very shortly after we got back from brunch but he was so tired he fell asleep. I understand that feeling.
This is going to be fun to post here every day, even if it is only minor. There will be some days when I have important comments to make.
I still have to post about last night at the Department social evening. I was good and stuck to the non-alcoholic punch - of course, as I started back home the rain made driving dangerous.
Peace to all.
Why am I blogging?
I am fascinated by the fact that many people seem to enjoy blogging. While I do not have huge amounts of time, I sure am interested in expressing my opinions and so they will be found here.
What will happen?
I will have to experiment with various things which I can put here and how best to convey to people my ideas. As a writer (textbooks, academic materials, and fiction) I know there are ways to organize material so it makes the most sense to the most numbers of people.
Who am I?
As a start I am a 60 year old man who was married for 34 years to one woman. I have some real tales to tell of that marriage but those tales will await another day. While I honestly believe I have always been gay, I hid it from myself until I was into my late 40s.
I did not leave the marriage in order to live a "gay lifestyle" but because of a breakdown in a good marital relationship after our three sons left the home. That is what I mean when I say I have tales to tell.
My profession as an economist who has taught all his life is important to me. However, of even more significance is the fact I am a father of three sons and a grandfather of one grandson (born Feb. 2, 2003). Obviously, my sons and grandson will play some role here as they will be the subject of some of my thoughts.
As a professor of economics, I have written my share of academic stuff and continue to do so. However, far more important is the fact I am influencing students each and every day in the classroom. I am not out to my students for the most part but I am out to some former students. I have forged some wonderful relationships with a number of wonderful students over the years and keep in touch. Included are such individuals as Phil L. and his partner Chris, Kevin N., Chris S., Sean S., Paul S., and so many others. Not all are gay either but to them I have at least come out and interestingly enough every one of them has been to the village with me, some wide-eyed with wonder while others taking it in stride without a blink.
I also have a Best Friend whom I live with and care deeply about - Alexander Inglis. He is a super hero of mine who cares deeply. Many other friends whom I am blessed to know include a few very special men - Mitesh P., Sam E., Sid B. all of whom I care deeply about. Friends from my past whom I have forged real friendships with include people like Allan P., Terry H. (Taarna). I will also be writing about people I meet and about those who have died and whom I miss dearly - my childhood friend Ron Waddington and my first love Bob Long.
I am looking forward to this
I am looking forward to this exercise. I am hoping to gain some readers who might be interested in events of my life and my comments on current economic events.
Hugs to all,
DJ
And don't forget to contact me if you would like (canadabear@rogers.com)
